Thursday, November 20, 2008

Pitching VC's: The Big Three Auto Way

By now you have read about the CEO's of the Big 3 automakers flying to Washington in private jets to request taxpayer bailout money. Here's the link in case you missed it.

If Congress does indeed bailout the automakers, then perhaps we should all consider pitching investors the Big 3 Way rather than cutting costs and being lean.

Here is how I would do it.

- Show up to the meeting in an Audi R8 and park it next to the VC's BMW. Make sure he notices it from his office window by honking loudly when you pull up. (Even better, if you get there before him, make sure to park in his space if he has one.)

- Bring at least 6 people to the meeting. Make sure they all have VP or Director titles. That way the VC's knows that they get paid a lot of money, but there are still people above them getting paid even more.

- Bring along the consulting firm you hired to put your pitch deck together. McKinsey or the B's (Bain, BCG, Booz) would be best.

- During the getting to know you part of the discussion, make sure to invite the VC to the company holiday party at Per Se (or French Laundry) so that he can meet the rest of the team.

- When talking about the issues with your product, make the analogy that a product has to be tailored to each user like the custom suit you are wearing.

- When asked about possible exits, get your bankers and lawyers on the phone (both on retainer) and have them talk about the IPO window opening in 2009.

- When the receptionist/assistant/intern brings in some bottled water, make sure to tip him a benjamin.

- If he ever dares to question your spending, imply that he does not care about employee safety. If he looks confused, start rambling about standard procedures.

Let me know if you have other suggestions in the comments.

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